Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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