I looked at my own cervix.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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