Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
