The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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