I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
