you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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