honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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