He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I AM VODKA MAN
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
