I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
