remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
