i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
