you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
