Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
