Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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