I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You have to summon your inner elephant
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
