I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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