and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
