Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
