girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
