What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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