How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
