dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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