ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
