Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
