I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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