ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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