im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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