she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
