Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
