Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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