Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
