I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
