I want to have your abortion
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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