He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
