that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
