Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
