I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
