i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
