The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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