watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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