just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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