We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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