im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
