Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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