I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
