Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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