I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
