I hate all girls vehemently.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
