whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
