four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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