I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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