I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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