So drunk its hurt
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
