It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
