The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
