I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
