I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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