That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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