Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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