there's paper in my vomit.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
